The Newsroom

Return to Newsroom




by David Isle

Washington CBS news affiliate WUSA 9 reports on a “growing relationship trend” - marrying yourself. Advocates of this trend call it “sologamy,” I suppose because “autogamy” is already reserved for people who form a lifelong bond with their car. The article raises some interesting questions, such as whether sologamists can later marry other people (yes) and whether there are businesses that cater specifically to self-marriers (America Is Already Great). 

WUSA 9 leaves other questions unaddressed - Are guests actually expected to give gifts for this nonsense? Can you divorce yourself? If imprisoned, are you allowed conjugal visits? And most importantly: What do you wear to marry yourself? 

If you want to maintain the troll, you have to commit to wearing a wedding getup. I would suggest a rented tuxedo to befit the solemnity of the occasion. This is if you’re going to do the whole song and dance of hiring an officiant, having him or her deliver awkward remarks on the deep love this officiant has observed in you for yourself, as expressed in comments over email and the one time you and the officiant met in person. This is if you are really trying to measure the precise amount of bullshit your friends and family will put up with. You should demand speeches, screw up the seating chart, and the food should be bad. If they’ve been asking you for the last ten years if you’re ever going to get married, perhaps they deserve it.

Perhaps there’s another way to frame the occasion. In my years of innocence, I thought that a “bachelor party” was a party that a man threw for himself to celebrate reaching some advanced age without succumbing to marriage. Less of a consolation prize, more of a blue ribbon in a different race. I was wrong of course - in reality a bachelor party is when a groom-to-be and his friends get together and text their significant others for a weekend. But there’s no reason you can’t resuscitate my earlier, misguided notion. 

In that case, I recommend embracing the moment and going full Continental. If a smoking jacket and brylcreem is now too dated, perhaps this kimono jacket worn print-side-out, pajama-style pants, and some diamond-print (better than spending $100 on zirconia) slip-ons. No shirt. Who are you trying to impress anyway? 

As Groucho Marx once said, “marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” Well, perhaps you do. There is now single-occupancy availability.